i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
