im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
