I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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