I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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