I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
