I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
