I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
