so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
