elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
