Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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