He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
