You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
