PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
