I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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