but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
