"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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