Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
