Please, let me fuck your mom
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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