mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
