You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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