You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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