she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
