I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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