lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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