apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
