I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
