I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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