idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
