Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
