my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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