I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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