Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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