i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My room smells like vodka and shame
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
