She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
