im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
