well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
