just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
