made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
