John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
pop tarts are not kleenex
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
