i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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