No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
