Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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