I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
