so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
