I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
