Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
