make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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