Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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