it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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