I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
