I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
